The one resounding question I have heard over the past year is – Do You miss sewing?
The answer to that is very complex and has changed over time. Right now – No, I don’t miss it. What I do miss however, is filling my spare time with sewing. Waking up on my days off and being able to say – Hey, I’ve got nothing much to do today, I’ll make something. Or knowing a special person in my life has a big milestone to celebrate, and being able to think – I know, I’ll make them a quilt. THAT is what I miss.
The longer answer to that question is this – The decline in my ability to sit and sew for hours on end had been steady and slow. I was holding on for dear life, finding an hour or two to smash something out on the sewing machine, but then paying for it in the days after. I’d always been a big fan of “go hard or go home”, so just chipping away at a project, a little bit at a time, it just didn’t appeal to me. Still doesn’t! The constant pain I suffered following a burst of creativity became too much. And after a while, when you begin associating something you love, as something that causes you pain – it’s easy to fall out of love….. And that’s exactly what occurred.
As I fell out of love with the one hobby I was truly passionate about, I became pretty bloody down and out about everything else going on in my life. It opened my eyes to the fact that I didn’t really have much else to spend my spare time on. The kids were all becoming way more independent, with only one primary schooler left in the household. And my husband’s new role within our junior football club, meant he was spending more hours than we had envisioned away from home.
I withdrew from the social side of quilting. Stopped going to Guild days. Felt anxious about catch ups with my Melbourne quilting friends, and made excuses not to join in. And I also gave up on the writing and blogging commitments I had made with magazines and other bloggers. I felt like I was a bit of fraud, if I’m honest. I had this social media persona, and was known to churn out projects quicker than most. All the hard work over the previous five years, building my business, and my “brand”, was going down the gurgler….. And, ultimately, I was lonely.
Add to all of this a splash of chronic pain, slow burning anxiety and a battle with insomnia, and you wouldn’t be surprised that I think I possibly spent the majority of 2017 in some kind of depressive state. And that’s a really hard thing for me to write down…..
The last couple of months of the year were possibly the most difficult. Our house (it’s a whole other blog post) has major issues and we’d also spent the year battling the insurance company through lawyers, and after a small win, the work was beginning. I was surrounded by jackhammers, which managed to add to the chaos in my own head. And the stress of the past couple of years all came together and culminated in me finally losing it…… And when I lost it, I reflected on all the combined issues and started addressing them…… And waved goodbye to 2017, with a bit of “fuck you” thrown in for good measure 😉